It’s not uncommon for me to ponder every year as my birthday draws near this question: what have I accomplished? (Perhaps everyone does this? Or maybe they just wait until New Year’s. Ha). Anyway, for the past few years, I’ve felt somewhat stumped. It didn’t matter whether I was working or not (or how much), or how much money I made, or whether or not I was in a relationship or in love, etc. No matter what those answers were, I still somehow felt something was missing. I knew it and felt it in my bones. And because I’ve always tended to be an analytical, over-achieving, perfectionist person who really, really loves to understand and fix things, I’ve found myself digging away for years trying to figure out what that was and remedy it. It’s been a long, long process and I’m sure it’s not over yet (because you can never be done growing), but I am grateful and quietly proud and ecstatic that this year, my 27th year old life, I accomplished something.

So. I figure you can look at the evening of my birthday two ways: 1.) I (and my life) was up in the air or 2.) I was flying. Perhaps I was both at the same time. And just maybe that’s okay, because the thing I got back was Peace. Which sounds hokey and cheesy I know, but while I had always realized that I had a few “issues” to work through – hell, we all do – I hadn’t realized quite how deeply the things that happened to be in my past ran through me and how much they had affected me and the way I lived.

My little epiphany was rather unexpected: It was on a date last December. My date and I had gone to see the movie Black Swan; I was mostly interested in the dancing. I was not expecting to relate to Natalie Portman’s character so much. After all, most everyone agrees that that character, Nina, goes from a little unhinged to full on nuts. But, I’m telling you, I got it: When, at the very end, after she realized that she had stabbed herself by mistake and not her “nemesis” (she was her own worst enemy, of course) and went back on stage determined to dance the ending flawlessly, passionately, as the red stain on the front of her pure white costume grew and grew. As she, the white swan, cascades to her death she utters one thing. She murmured, “It was perfect” (or something to that effect) with such conviction, with such relief, that she was okay with dying. It’s not clear whether Nina actually dies, but it’s pretty clear that she was happy with dying, because she had done something perfectly. That was all she wanted. Perfection. It was a weight off her chest.

And so, as the lights went up and the crowds started to dissipate, I sat in that theater gob-smacked because my heart was thumping in my chest as my head ran over and over the fact that I was all… I totally know how she feels. And then: Wait, am I’m crazy, too? Did the other theater-goers see it in me? Did my date? (he did not). I was so perplexed by this whole reaction that I went to see the movie again by myself.

This reaction, little revelation or whatever you want to call it didn’t fix everything and certainly not all at once, but it was a pretty integral piece of the complex puzzle.

I realized that I’d been holding so much of my life’s hurts and disappointments and confusions and bad experiences inside of me and that I’d channeled a lot of that into this faux-warrior perfection seeking creature. I wanted to, had to, do everything Best. I wanted to be the Best Person to everyone – to be, perhaps, more of the person they wanted me to be in their eyes. Everything I thought of making or doing, I wavered over the thought of if it would be perfect enough. Would it be good enough. And in the end, would I be deemed good enough, worthy. I had set myself up for something entirely impossible and became so overwrought with all the things I could do wrong that I found it hard to do much of anything. I wanted everyone to be happy and pleased so much so that I not uncommonly sacrificed my own, or at least thought that I probably should. Worst of all, I had been letting myself feel defined by anyone other than myself, by things I did or didn’t have, by what I thought others might think about me… while simultaneously being frustrated that I didn’t feel it was okay or enough to be just myself, because really, this whole shenaniganry was so not my thing.

I realized that the word my head would silently seek over and over was “perfect”. How could that not eat you alive? I came to realize that I had turned all of the bad stuff that had ever happened to me, the things and people and situations that let me down and broke my heart, into the very things that were holding me back instead of propelling me forward. While of course, most of these things that happened were not my fault and not under my control, I internally made them my fault and my weight to bear alone. I wanted to fix them, even if it wasn’t my responsibility and even if I didn’t always know how. All these things became like little concrete blocks dangling from my feet by strings, keeping me down. As I tried to unravel it all, it only turned into an increasingly convoluted thought process, as I desperately sought to make sense of everything that it only became a cloud looming over my head. I felt like a giant tangle, a scribble, a mess. Stuck.

Eventually, the culminating pain of realizing what I had done to myself, all by myself, in addition to feeling the full weight of all the many things that had led me down this path was too much to bear. What had I done with my life? What had I allowed to be done to me? And what, dear heavens, had I done to myself?

And then I knew something had to change.

One night in July (or so) while I was laying in bed unable to sleep because I was so overwhelmed with all of these realizations and their implications that I thought they might literally crush me, I came to the decision that I had to let it go. All of it. It was a choice between the pain or myself. Please, I thought to myself, begged to the universe: I just want Peace. All I want is Peace. I let myself think about all the things painful things I’d been through, things I didn’t necessarily want to think about. I let myself be angry and I let myself cry, but I also thought about the things I learned from them and the ways they forced me grow.  I acknowledged and relinquished the things that I couldn’t control and could do nothing about. As I thought of each thing, I imagined that I was pulling all of that bad energy out of me and into a ball. All of those heavy, unhelpful, non-productive thoughts into a growing ball of energy. When I had thought of everything, I imagined holding this ball of energy in my hands and said/thought something along the lines of:

“Dear Universe, I am grateful for all of these things that happened to me and how they made me grow, but I don’t want or need this pain anymore, so I’m letting it go. I won’t forget what happened and I will keep and cherish all of the things I learned, but I will no longer give them the power them to hurt me and hold me back.” And then I gave it away, let it go…. like a balloon.

And you, know, I immediately felt lighter. Better.

In October, I was walking along on one of the paths I’ve taken on my little wandering sojourns for years. Headphones on, iPod set to play random, and suddenly I found myself in a lovely little déjà vu moment… but better. Animal Collective’s song My Girls came on and I flashed back to 3 years ago walking the same path in late January. I was in a not so great place then and something about the band’s newest album at the time Merriweather Post Pavilion cheered me, especially My Girls. Something about the beat and the energy and the mood resonated in me and made my insides sigh a little yes. It felt like something to aspire to, perhaps? It’s hard to explain, but something felt like a reaching point, a place I wanted to be. So, a little over a month ago, I’m walking this same path and this same song comes on and I feel different. That seeking feeling wasn’t there. I felt light, unweighted, free. And then it hit me: I’m happy. I had peace. What a beautiful feeling.

Thanks for reading, all. I hope this makes sense as I tried to not go on and on forever. It’s late and I’m just going to go ahead and post this otherwise I’ll keep nitpicking it for all of eternity. I’ll make any changes tomorrow if needed. :)
(Above photo by my friend Manya, 2005.)

It seems as though I’ve decided to switch up the blog-y design in the middle of the night (on a whim!). It’s a little wonky and it may take a smidge of time to get things in (pretty design-y) order sooooo hang tight, yeah? And let me know if you can already tell/think that this new prospect is wretched and I should switch it back. Or if you have any other thoughts. Mmkay?

(I know, I know, one of those thoughts is probably along the lines of yay!at least she’s doing something!…I’ll work on that. Promise.)

It looks like the ever-popular animated GIFs (that I adored when I first started making websites at 15) have grown up into something rather magical. Jamie Beck‘s cinemagraphs at first look like a regular photograph until you do a double take when you realize that not all is as it seems – they move! I can’t help but adore these and, of course, I’m filled with curiosity as to how they’re made. I can imagine the slew of possibilities that this photo technique can create.

I’ve been mildly obsessed with this gorgeous photo of ranunculus flowers by Jessica Nichols ever since they popped up on my Pinterist feed last week, where they were pulled from Poppytalk. The flowers in and of themselves are spectacular, but the combination of colors against that fabulous blue-grey background ups the ante for me. And so, I couldn’t resist pulling some of those colors out for our admiration.

Today also happens to feel so amazingly spring-y that I wound up decking my hair out in flowers on a whim to celebrate. At first I was just playing with a mega high bun to pair with my gleefully bare shoulders; then came a little headband (which I need to find in more colors); one flower, the orchid; and then! why not circling my bun in them?A sort of little tiara of flowers. It’s my first time doing it, so I may need to experiment more, and maybe find some new flowers. But definitely a fun prospective springtime little ‘do.

I always find it kind of funny when two reasonably unrelated things attract me, and then eventually it clicks that oh these two things might look mighty fine together.

Just today, about 20 minutes ago as it happens, I stumbled upon Mona Simon‘s photographs of Transylvania’s traditional Roma (aka gypsy) population and was immediately struck by the vibrant colors and patterns of the community.

Then I remembered seeing Pamela Bennett Ader‘s paintings:

The flowers on their own are, of course, beautiful, but I’m certainly delighted and intrigued by the integration of the little color swatches within the painting. We’ve all become accustomed to seeing color swatches attached to artwork, pulling out their colors and giving them special attention. It’s interesting to see them incorporated into a fine art status and I find that it brings a sense of modernity to the work in addition to bringing attention to the beautiful colors themselves and drawing the viewers into the artistic process.

And then I found myself grouping them together in my mind. I think it has something to do with both the nature of the colors in both selections of work and perhaps the combined/collage-y elements.

I don’t know, but it works, doesn’t it? Click on the links above to see more :).

So my long lost cats and kittens, I’ve become somewhat addicted to Svpply.com. It’s a fun place for me to plop ALL of the many things I find while cruising around the internet that I wish I could own, or imagine that it would be fun to own. It’s also fun because sometimes I think I don’t know what I’m liking or am into at the moment and if I just plop them all there it provides a nice overview to what I like. You can follow people to see what they’re picking and add it to your own list, see who likes what you like and find an astounding array of other absolutely fabulous stuff. So, basically, if you like stuff you’ll love this site. Especially if you can’t buy most of it, and putting it here makes it feel as though you own it in some deranged way. It’s very “this is what my taste may be if I actually had the money.” It’s also an interesting way to see what other people are liking. So, one (or two) nights while I was up adding things at whim I found my brain on hyper drive imagining all of the things I wish the site could do / how it could be made even better.

Such as:
- Adding things is freakishly easy, which I love. If you see something you like that’s already on the site, you can click the + sign and *poof* it’s added to your page. If it’s on another site, you have a button you can add to your browser that will make this pop up:

And you can select what categories it goes into/price/etc. Those things are searchable. Now, I think it would be even more handy if it it had a little more tagging as an option. Though that would require more effort I suppose on account of the users, and what’s great about the site is that it’s easy. But if, for example, you could choose in clothes between skirts / dresses / blouse / pants / etc, it would make it easier if you were looking for just skirts on Svpply. Adding in color tags would be cool, too. Or being able to tag an item with a more detailed subscription such as “ombre.” I say that because just last night my friend went all “omg, I want an ombre dress, help!” And I’m always up for the challenge, but typing “ombre” into the search field didn’t help too much. Which leads me to another desire:

- Making lists!: When my friend asked me to help her search for something specific, I was up for it. I always am. I usually end up sending along a bunch of links in such scenarios, which isn’t terribly pretty. I’ve suggested her joining the site but she hasn’t yet. Regardless, it would be super duper splendiferously awesome if you could make your own separate lists,  so that when I was compiling a list of products for her, I could make a little list on Svpply with all of the items which I could then send to her all nice and neat in a “Ombre dresses for Sara page”. She could see all of the items, and get to each item by clicking on the pretty picutes. And the magic of the site might enable her to find other things she likes more. And hey(!) maybe then she’d join up.  It’d be neat to be able to do this for all sorts of situations. Whether it’s a list I’m making for someone, or a list I’m making for myself, separate from my general “I want this” menagerie of delights. Could be fun for personal shoppers, stylists, too. The site is just (I find, thus far) a really easy and clean way of compiling products.

- Trends!: Like I mentioned, I find the site interesting because it helps me see what I’m into. I can look at the bulk of the stuff I’ve picked and maybe I’ll notice that I’ve added out a surprisingly similar grouping of skirts or something. Even if I wasn’t consciously aware of being interested in a certain style. The site is intriguing because you can see what other people are liking and latching onto… to a degree. I can imagine going forward that it could be even better.

With things like say, tagging, as I suggested previously, you could get a really clear picture on what type of shoes (for example) people are liking. Conceivably when it’s still pretty under the radar. Before people even have really processed their liking such things. I imagine going forward the site could be optimized by being able to track this info and offer it up as reports to companies. For the people using the site, it would just be an even better way of finding exactly what you’re hankering for, and it could be useful information to others. On not just what people are buying, but what they WANT to buy. It has the opportunity to be an even more fascinating look into what people are interested in and an opportunity for things to be made to fulfill those needs.

Those are just a few loose ideas. But I had to get them out, because thinking about how to make the site even better kept me up at night with excitement.

Feel free to check out my page here. Feel free to sign up and follow along if you are so inclined. :)

Happy New Year, my dears. Sorry to be such a space case :). But, boy, do I have a space case for you. Or more, a case of my freaky deaky memory. In May 2009, Katya Ford‘s cosmos infused fashion photography caught my eye. They reminded me a bit of Coles Phillips style of illustration re-imagined for the 21st century with photography introduced. Then a week or two (?) ago I saw Christopher Kane’s Resort 2011 cosmically spectacular collection and made a connection.

Perhaps Katya’s photos were an inspiration, hmm? I really like the whole body as the space-y abyss vibe of Chris’ collection and Katya’s photos. As much as we think we know about the body and about space, so much is still a mystery. Physically and psychologically. And suddenly, this pops into my head:

[music break]

[end break]

Interesting, yes? I know that I’d kill for a few of these designs. How can you not love some of these beautiful silhouettes combined with such beautiful photo-realistic imagery?

To buy: Opening Ceremony

So, um, I kind of *love* these swan sunglasses in this “Wait for the Summer” photo shoot by photographer Fiona Quinn and styled by Courtney Sanders. The sunglasses are labeled first as the stylist’s own, and then by “Look Sharp”, a label which I haven’t been able to find out much about during my brief (but somewhat talented) google search frenzy. I managed to find some other novelty type swan sunglasses but none quite as fabulous as these. I just love how these have both black and white… you know very Black Swan-y. (Natalie Portman should totally own a pair, am I right?). I love how they manage to be both sunglasses but almost like a headpiece, like an almost but not quite tiara. And the model rocks them oh-so effortlessly.

And now a poem (from which I got this post’s name)((which a friend sent to me after seeing the aforementioned swan/ballet movie))(((and it seems nicely applicable to this post))):

Verdi and Postmodernism
She walks in beauty like the swans
that on a summer day do swarm
& crawls as deftly as a spoon
& spills & sprawls & booms.

These moments make a monument
then fall upon a broken calm
they fly into more quenchless rages
than Louis Quatorze or Napoleon.

If I could make one wish I might
overturn a state, destroy a kite
but with no wishes still I gripe
complaint’s a Godly-given right.
- Charles Bernstein

I stumbled across Barry McGee and Josh Lazcano’s commissioned piece of graffiti on the corner of Houston Street and Bowery (left picture) perhaps in late October and immediately snapped a shot of the eye-catching site. What looks like a fascinating jumble of tags is actually a sort of “the ultimate graffiti writer’s roll call.”

Then, just this morning, I happened upon Niels Shoe Meulman of Calligraffiti‘s collaboration with Mercedes-Benz and Pink Ribbon. Meulman was asked to “customize a white Mercedes B-Class with hundreds of women’s names. These names symbolize all the Dutch women for whom the Pink Ribbon foundation works tirelessly.” (watch a video of the process here)

I find these two (that I’ve seen so far) instances of jumbled word graffiti bearing others names an interesting coincidence. Perhaps additionally more so, now that I think about it, that both are in shades of red and pink, evoking colors of a rose, and thereby maybe, possibly hinting somehow at the eternal question, posed by Shakespeare:

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

In our computer-age where things are so frequently typed, does seeing your name in a hand-created form hold a certain type of potency? Does it make you more real? Especially when it’s someone else who’s writing it. If someone else is calling you out, writing you down, you can be sure you exist. Can’t you?

Maybe I’m just making up stories.

But. There are certainly a whole lot more wordy, declarative, questioning types of graffiti tumbled about lately. Like these two:

Interesting, isn’t it?

Spotted this purchase-able piece of wall art – Sun 736 by Cocktail Designers and just had to share. It’s all lovely pixelated, and when you look close, made up of paint-swatch type forms:

Formerly covered paint chip related art goodness:
Paint Chip Evolution, and my own paint chip landscape wall attempt (though way more abstract).